Jurassic Park & The Inherent Eroticism of Jeff Goldblum

Welcome to Riverview After Dork! On this blog Noah and Dave of When Harry Met Fatty podcasting fame occasionally review (via audio and textual means) the wondrous movies they see together at the Riverview Theater.

This week we chomp into Jurassic Park (1993)



Here's the trailer!



DAVE: I had the poster of this movie in my bedroom for several years. I stupidly used wallpaper paste on it and many other even dumber posters that hung around way too long. I think the poster was just of the T-Rex foot, stomping down. Yeesh.

But I do love dinosaurs! Because I'm a man. And I have a heart. And boy wasn't Jeff Goldblum a little firecracker in this film. And that blond girl was a good screamer-I bet she screamed her way to landing that part. I wonder how I could use screaming/loud shouting to further my career as a novelist.

NOAH:

1. First rule of acting in a Spielberg movie:  spare no expense when indicating your biggest expression of sheer wonderment. 

2. My humble, (and slightly biased), nerd opinion: it wasn't the CGI that carried this picture, it was the sound design. You hear everything about hour before you actually see it, and when you do see it, it's not for very long. 

3.Laura Dern really knows how to drop into the pain and tortured psyche of a plant paleontologist. "This palm frond shouldn't be here! It doesn't know what century it's in and it's going to find lethal ways to survive!"

4. I forgot about all the slow exposition in this movie. It was kind of quaint - it was like the dying gasp of a bygone era of blockbuster filmmaking.  

5.Why did this Walt-Disney-in-white mogul invite a rockstar mathematician to the island? It doesn't make any sense, yet I imagine Michael Crichton writing this novel thinking, "I gotta get my viewpoints in here somewhere....gosh, if I could be in this story, what would I be? Hmmm...a devilishly handsome white Eddie Murphy? EUREKA!

"

6. Someday I'm going to use that flea circus monologue John Hammond delivers while eating melted ice cream. For what, I haven't a clue, but it's happening. 

7.Usually I don't laugh too hard at the dated technology in movies, but the shot of the scientist using virtual reality to find holes in the DNA sequence he was building was pretty funny. The other funny moment was hearing Dave snicker at the use of DOS in this movie. I had no idea what that meant, but I think its just funny to hear your movie buddy mutter "pshaw....DOS." next to you in a dark theater!

Dave Interviews Noah

1) So, Noah, the mighty dinos have roared again. What'd you think of Jurassic Park this time around?
 

I was swept away...again! This movie still works and the crowd around us screamed at most of the right moments. I got kind of depressed partway through this movie because I remembered back when I used to have to deal with the horses on my parent's farm and I would fantasize that I was working in a Jurassic pony park, just to make the time go by a little faster. Those were my Friday night lights...My Friday... Night... Lights.
 

2) Kill, marry, or fuck: Jeff Goldblum, Laura Dern, and Wayne Knight. As always, explain your reasoning.

I would kill Jeff Goldblum, marry Laura Dern and make love to Wayne Knight. My reasoning: any post coital pillow talk with Jeff Goldblum would make me want to vomit my nervous system. I feel like a romp with Wayne Knight would be so horrifying, that it would provide a "factory reset" for my life. Plus he has quite a few crevices, which would provide multiple options.  And I know I wouldn't be married to Laura Dern for long, because she would find a way to kill me in my sleep with some crazy clone of an ancient venus flytrap.  Nature finds a way.
     

3) If you ran an exotic park on an island and could have anything on it via magical science (millions of Tom Cruise clones, King Kong, etc.), what would you have? 

I would have a park with clones of every person who was ever nice to me in my life and we would do a take two on everything. 

4) How does chaos theory apply to your own life?

Everyday is so wonderful, then suddenly, it's hard to breathe. Now and then I get insecure from all the roars, and pony chores....but I am DINOmite, in every single way, astroids can't bring me down....I am DINOmite in every single way, astroids can't bring me down...but if you bring me down... I will make like a biiirrd..and evolve away!   
  

5) What's your spirit dinosaur? 

The 1987 band Was (Not Was). "Open the door, get on the floor, everybody walk the dinosaur!"

Final Thought: Wayne Knight once delivered Seinfeld's mail, but boy will he steal your heart! 

NOTE: This blog is switching over to a more sporadic posts, so check in every month or so and we'll have something (maybe) to delight your brain!

Late Night #3: Back to the Future

Welcome to Riverview After Dork! On this blog Noah and Dave of When Harry Met Fatty podcasting fame are going to watch and then review Riverview Theater's 2014 summer lineup of classic films.
 
This week we fly back in time with Back to the Future (1985). 



Here is the film's pretty useless trailer:

DAVE: So. Back to the Future. The very film that inspired Back to the Future II, with those sweet hover boards! I had a good time rewatching this old bastard and especially enjoyed Christopher Lloyd as Doc Brown and all the hot mom-son tension. I really only drifted from the film during the long action scenes in which one stupid thing went wrong after another.

I could also sense some major plot holes at every turn but was able to turn off my brain and just enjoy the ride. Also, I want to invent something that sends my cat back in time somehow.

As for the crowd at the Riverview this week, they were pretty spirited and cheery at the begininng of the movie. But this isn't a pep rally, folks-it's a fucking movie. Shut your cheerholes.

NOAH: Marty travels 30 years into the past, and it has been almost 30 years since I saw this film. As I take to my knees, just consider your mind blown. 

-Never really noticed Marty's siblings until now. I only remembered them as people who disappear in pieces in a photograph. Tom Stoppard needs to write a Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead play centered around Dave and Linda McFly. 

-The score of this film is oddly appealing - the theme is so distinct and spirited, that it takes you along for a ride, all the while exclaiming "never mind the plot-holes!" and "relax, isn't this ridiiiiiiculous?" The score fulfills its duties without getting too much in the way. 

-Crispin Glover's performance seems to age like a fine wine, while Lea Thompson's performance has...well...

-With all the technical wizardry Bobby Zemeckis had at his helm, you'd think the old age makeup would look better than a highschool production of You Can't Take It With You. 

-A lot of people's futures seem terribly tied up with whether or not someone else gets their bell rung. 

-When all is said and done, all Michael J. Fox wanted to do was head to the lake with Jennifer and throw some sleeping bags in the back of his new Toyota 4X4 pickup. Alas, time had other plans. 

Dave Interviews Noah!

1) So Noah, Back to the Future is one of your all-time favorite films. What did you think about seeing it on the big screen finally?

I was worried it wouldn't hold up, or that I would be bored because of my familiarity with this movie, but I was pleased with this movie's ability to still "grab" me, after all these years. The big screen helped reacquaint me with the town of Hill Valley. I was able to catch all the little details that they were able to extrapolate from in the sequels. I'm surprised they never attempted a television show...I mean if they can make a show out of Uncle Buck, they could surely pull a few seasons worth out of BTTF. Having said all that, I'm still bummed about them taking the franchise to horsey times in the third installment.

2) If you could travel in time, where would you go? What hi-jinx would ensue?

Well, Louis CK has maintained that time travel really only works for white men, so I don't know if it would work for me. Sadly, I think history is a little overrated. I'm sure if you went back to see Abraham Lincoln speak, it would be terrible. You wouldn't be able to hear him. And the assassination of JFK would be a hot mess of a boring bummer. 

If I did travel, it would probably be in my own lifetime. I would follow all the adults that I hated and gain perspective on their position. Then I would step on a bunch of butterflies. 

3) How do you think Marty and Doc Brown met and fell in love?

My theory: When Marty went back to 1955 and Doc tried to do that Mind-Meld-Cage-Cap thing with him, he threw it down in despair, declaring that the device was a failure. Only it WASN'T!  During their initial interaction, they formed a bond stronger than the bond the Werewolves from Twilight form when they imprint themselves on their future lovers. Had Marty not removed the suction cup from his forehead prematurely, Doc would've unintentionally completely possessed him, turning Marty into the ultimate future surrogate clone / potential love slave. Who knows what earthly delights we may have bore witness to in the 1985 scenes (save the cock tower!)? At any rate, we'll take what we can get, a platonic blah-blah-blah.

4) Since he hadn't been conceived yet in 1955, would it really have been so bad for Marty to fool around with his mother?

As long as Marty remembers to pull out...otherwise its BACK...to the DRAWING BOARD!

5) If they made a 4th Back to the Future and you were named writer/director/producer, what would it look like? For the sake of this thought experiment, both main actors are about the same real life age as when they made the third one....

It would have to be about saving the town of Hill Valley. That's all that's left unexplored in this franchise, and yet it's everything - a real "save the cheerleader, save the world" sentiment. Doc and Marty's time travel has weakened the fabric of Hill Valley's space continuum and things from the alternate universes are bleeding through into the past present and future. It would be a cross between Being John Malkovich and Needful Things. 

FINAL THOUGHT: You can go back in time and kiss your mom and everything will turn out fine. Really. Don't worry about it!

Late Night #2: Edward Scissorhands (1990)

Welcome to Riverview After Dork! On this here blog Noah and Dave of When Harry Met Fatty podcasting fame are going to watch and then review Riverview Theater's 2014 summer lineup of classic films! 

This week we cut into Edward Scissorhands:  






Dave: Ok. So I went in ready to endure a movie I thought I knew well from the olden days of 1990  but was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed Edward Scissorhands, especially the first half before the almost totally unbelievable plot advancement stuff started happening (really? That blond guy decides to rob his own house and everybody goes along with it? What in THE hell?). Dir. Tim Burton's surreal critique of suburbia still feels deliciously slanted, though it's way more 1950's suburbia than the watered down 2010's version we've got now with everyone staring into glowing screens like zombies. Also, it now seems a little sexist-I felt a restlessness among the south Minneapolis ladies as they watched the clucking suburb hens portrayed in the movie (one of whom was the sassy maid from 2 and a Half Men, BTW).

One thing I kept thinking about as Noah and I watched this at the Riverview last Saturday was how each of the first two films we've viewed for this blog-cast have created very unique, undiluted worlds that have stayed closed to one very specific type of vision (and world). Looking ahead at the list of movies we're going to see throughout the summer, I think we're going to see more of the same. Nowadays almost every movie gets put through a multi-writer/producer/editor/director blender (unless you're already very established, like Woody Allen) and I feel they're often much poorer for it.

Noah: Let me get my film score nerd stuff out of the way: Danny Elfman says this is his best score, but I beg to differ - I really liked what he did on Scrooged, Batman Returns, and his later stuff (Silver Linings Playbook & American Hustle). But I guess, at the time, this score is what established his name-brand. It would be like me telling Ronald McDonald that I prefer the McLean Deluxe over the Big Mac. In the end, nobody wins, and someone with kooky hair is getting finger-blasted.    

-I totally forgot that Wynona Ryder was a blonde in this, did you? In my heart she'll forever be a hot Veronica-with-resting-bitch-face. But I can see Tim Burton making her blonde. He's got a streak of shiksa-worship in him. (Dave: I did, too-I advance pictured her as her character in Beetlejuice, actually).

-When I was young, I thought the Diane Wiest character was incredibly dumb. I might've hated her. This time around, my old age has softened me. When it comes to moral intelligence, the Wiest character is miles above everyone else in the film. 

-I wonder if Tim Burton has softened his stance on male blonde jocks....perhaps his next picture will be about Duke Lacrosse players? It'll focus on how awesome life can rule when you're powered by victory + poon to the power of ZIMA. 

Dave Interviews Noah:

1) So Noah what did you think of Edward Scissorhands this time around?

I was surprised by the simplicity of the story. It was so bare that it almost seemed a bit hollow at points. Then I read somewhere that this was originally supposed to be a musical. That would be an interesting exercise - take a well known musical and cut out all the songs - just see what you're left with in the end. Not much...or is it?

2) How would you rank it against Bettlejuice? What's your favorite Tim Burton movie?

Beetlejuice, hands down, takes the cake. It just dealt with a more interesting theme - the absurdity of death. That was way more appealing to me as a kid than Edward Scissorhands.  Eddie Sciz, is more for adolescents...and maybe middle-aged adults who have an unopened copy of The War of Art languishing under their coffee table. 

Since I love bad movies, I'd have to say that ED WOOD is my favorite Tim Burton film. Everything just works in that movie - and it doesn't reek of too much Burton, or Depp. And it has Bill effin' Murray. IN DRAG. The opening monologue that Martin Landau delivers is my high school yearbook quote. For reals. I remember submitting it and the editor called me and asked if I was on crack. Then when our town paper did our bios, I submitted it again, and they called me and asked if I was on crack. But they printed it anyway. Ed Wood rocks...and to think, I almost picked Pee-Wee's Big Adventure.

3) How much time you usually spend twirling in a magical snow shower?

Oh goodness knows that these days, the only magical snow showers I dance in are golden ones. Don't think too hard about that one, just let it ride. 

4) No chance, you sick fucker! Ok, what sort of practical object would you like your hands to be made out of? No cheating-it has to be a matching set!

I would have electric pencil sharpener hands. And I would go from high school to high school, offering my services, while secretly trying to rat out the next weird female teacher who tries to get it on with one of her students. That bit of awesomeness always seems to happen every three years, but I promise you, my fellow Americans, if you elect me, Edward Electric Pencil Sharpener Hands, I will make it my due diligence to deliver you a horny female teacher temptress story every 8 months! 

5) Would you rather live in a creepy hilltop castle or work in a salon catering to suburban housewives?

Creepy hilltop castle, but knowing me, I'd probably end up opening a saloon inside it to serve suburban housewives, because, let's face it, we all get lonely.

Final Thought: Remember, one Wynona Ryder in the hand is better than two in the scissors.

UP NEXT: Back to the Future!

Late Night #1 The NeverEnding Story

Welcome to Riverview After Dork! On this here blog Noah and Dave of When Harry Met Fatty podcasting fame are going to watch and then review Riverview Theater's 2014 summer lineup of classic films!



First up is The NeverEnding Story, which we saw at the Riverview on June 14th.

DAVE: So I've loved this movie a long time. I wrote about how it inspired me as a writer here. I'm excited to do this summer film series blogcast (or whatever it is) but I'm worried I might eventually kill a noisy audience member one dark night. Until then, yay, freedom! And who the fuck brings an iPad to a movie at midnight on a Saturday?

My big thought this time around about The NeverEnding Story is that this time the horse death scene in the Swamps of Sadness made me laugh so hard warm tears came to my eyes. I believe it was what the ancient Greeks would call a catharsis.

NOAH: I was four when this movie was released, so I was living in a haunted house in South Mpls. I think I first encountered this on video or TV a couple years later, most likely at my white aunt and uncle's place in rural Wisconsin.  They would copy VHS movies from the rental stores and my aunt was a big horror movie buff, so I remember growing up as a city kid but fearing the country because of all the horror movies I encountered there. 

-I hate horses and I'm not a fantasy person. I remember being pissed off at the weird bat-face dude and Lewis Carroll man in the beginning. This movie tricks you...like Princess Bride, it hooks you with the modern world and then fingers you with fantasy when you least expect it. Last night the bat-face guy still annoyed me. Later in the movie they refer to his bat creature as "stupid", but I disagree, I think the flying bat creature was rather cute. 

-I remember being super jealous of Bastian's house and how nice and clean it looked. Nothing like my house. Then again, his mom is dead, so tit for tat. 

-Why does the rock biter push a steam roller? Wouldn't it crush the tastiest rocks to sand before he had a chance to bite them? I think a pogo stick with a jackhammer bit on the end would be more his speed. 

-Glad to see Samuel Jackson finding work at the Ivory Tower! 

- Artax's death scene sadly doesn't hold up. I remember it being tremendously sad as a kid and my dad having to explain that they had the horse on an elevator that lowered it into the marsh. This time around, it was a bit ham-fisted, with a side of ham. 

- Boy does Morla look like a prison penis. Holy prison-penis turtle head! No turtle head should be that long. And BTW, the Sphinxes Gate he has to pass through...Good Golly Miss Titty!  I never noticed the nipple detail on those gals. Astounding. Gotta love that combo of tits and cloven feet. Like chocolate and peanut butter. 

-The Sphinxes gate sequence still holds up quite well, much more than I remember it. Very suspenseful. I love it when kids movies get intense. 

- It was fun to see everyone in the audience (who were all pretty close to our age) react to creepy Uncle Falcore. You could hear everyone second-guessing their childhood at the same time. 

-The Southern Oracle statues were more modest, (no nipples), but they were in need of some botox. Plus they were more unsettling, like the Grady twins in The Shining. 

- I used to have a huge crush on the Childlike Empress. However, now I realize that I've been crushing on Fiona Apple's zygote stunt double, for all these years. I feel a little dirty.   

-The optical effects, however cheesy they may look, were rather comforting to me this time around.  Good ol' blue screen. It's the white noise of my adulthood. Party on Wayne! Party on Garth!

DAVE INTERVIEWS NOAH

Dave: So what did you think of The NeverEnding Story this time around?

NOAH: This movie felt longer as a child. I remember it looming big in the background of my youth, an epic movie filled with pockets of ponderous notions that I was too afraid (or bored) to grasp as a kid. I was surprised by how short it was this time around. The concept of "The nothing" still scares me. The narrative seemed pretty vague, meandering around in search of "nothing" in hopes that a human reader would stick with it long enough to save the story in the end. (Your move, J.K. Rowling!) All I know is that someday I hope I can sit on your gravestone and deliver the Rock biter's "these strong hands" monologue.

DAVE: That would be amazing. I'd fucking come back to life for that. So, what would YOU name the Childlike Empress?

NOAH: I would call her Betty and Betty when she calls me, she can call me Al.

DAVE: Who was your favorite Neverending character?

NOAH: I remember loving the rock biter a lot, as well as Morla the penis-face turtle, But this time around I'd have to say that the Southern Oracle takes the cake. Them's a rare pair of weird! That scene was edited in such an unsettling Kubrick-esque-like fashion. One character I came around on was G'mork, only because I discovered that he was just a middle manager for the story's true villain. Poor G'mork. He had a rough day at the office.

DAVE: These look like good, strong hands, don't they?

NOAH: "My hand are small I know, but they're not yours, they are my own... and I am never broken." - Jewel.

DAVE: Do you think we're all part of a Neverending story? Why or why not?

NOAH: The romantic part of me, the part of me that sat through Cloud Atlas twice, would like to think so. However, today I shelved a book in the children's library that detailed the work-lives of Chinese Children who were forced to build the Transcontinental Railroad back in 1862. They got a hefty paycheck of frostbite with an added bonus of death. No one remembers their story, and luckily, for their sake, it had an ending. But if you're a kid who is dealing with the loss of a parent, the concept of a neverending story is a comforting balm and I can't say "boo" to movie that asks us all to hang onto our imagination. Because what's the alternative? An empty kitchen with you, your dad and one tall glass of orange juice blended with raw egg. And math tests. Falcore? more like FAILcore!

FINAL THOUGHT: People who have given up on their hopes and dreams are easier to control. According to a furry badass named G'mork!

UP NEXT: Edward Scissorhands